Lead, Follow or Get Out Of The Way
"Do or do not.  There is no try."
Yoda, Jedi Master

Facilitator Sharing

 

Bobby Fielding
 

"What am I really saying to myself and others?"

That was what hit me when a workshop facilitator helped me to switch from using "you" when describing my experiences and feelings to using "I" instead.  My 12-step experience also showed me the impact of using "should" when talking about all of the things I wasn't doing.  I also found out my use of other words like "can't", "need", and "sorry" was giving my power away.

So I started to change my use of these words with help from my wife and friends, and people started to be more interested in what I had to say.  I was becoming less judgmental of myself and others, and more able to make a difference with my life.  I shared what I was learning with others, and these were the type of comments that I heard from them.

"It's like magic, he doesn't run away like he used to."
 

"I don't feel as bad about myself, now that I see I don't have to do everything I thought I should do."
 

"My colleague listened to me and even asked questions!"
 

The first step is awareness.  The second is using simple tools and techniques to help change old habits to make our everyday language work for us and not against us.

 

James Thurston
 

Before attending any of the trainings offered by the PGC, I had spent over 10 years in 12 Step fellowships.  From the first meeting I attended, it was impressed upon me that being of service to others is one of the cornerstones of strong and lasting recovery.  Heeding this advice, I rarely missed an opportunity to share my gifts. 
 

One of my favourite ways to be of service was volunteering for the Hospitals and Institutions Subcommittee, bringing meetings to people who couldn't get to meetings because they were in detox centres, jails, or treatment facilities.  I didn't even know if anybody was really listening as I told my story, but sharing my experience, strength and hope with other addicts helped me to stay clean and get better.

"Wealth, like happiness, is never attained when sought after directly. It comes as a by-product of providing a useful service."  Henry Ford

While attending a 12 Step convention one day, I marvelled at the incredible number of people gathered to celebrate their recovery with one another.  In that moment of awe and gratitude someone tapped my shoulder.  I turned around and met a stranger whose eyes instantly knew me and whose arms immediately hugged me.  As we embraced she thanked me for speaking at a treatment centre meeting four years earlier.  She said, "I know you don't remember me but I remember you.  What you shared at that meeting helped me to stay clean.  Thank you!"  She went on to tell me that she too had served other addicts in a Hospitals and Institutions Subcommittee and how service work has had tremendous impact on the quality of her life and recovery.  We talked for a while and when we parted I simply smiled, knowing that my life had rippled outward, touching other lives in ways I had not imagined.

 

Wayne Lewis

My first Supervisory job was a promotion from a QC Inspector to the QC Supervisor. I was to supervise a person with whom I had worked for about a year. After a bit of apprehension about the change in relationship we came to a common agreement about how we would work together. Since we thought alike and worked in the same style there was no real problem. We got the job done and I dealt with the higher management. Things were going well. Business grew and the company hired another QC Inspector. When I interviewed him he seemed like a nice person.

Then the fun began! He wanted to see the manual (what manual), the dates that were typed on the forms were last years (cross them out and write in todays date) and he complained about all sorts of piddling little details that in no way affected the results of what we were doing (my assessment). He got on my nerves and I got on his nerves. We didnt last too long together. The final parting was not pleasant.

Several years later, after I had learned something about different personality types, the value of diversity, and how to communicate with other types of people, I hired a person exactly like my second QC Inspector. The realization that I was consciously searching for a person like the one I had so much trouble with was one of those moments that I laughed at myself for being so naïve and uninformed in my earlier life and to congratulate myself on how much I had learned. I was now hiring my worst nightmare and I was doing it on purpose.

I had learned that I needed people different from me in order to accomplish my desired results. I had learned what types of people were needed to support me in my journey. I had also learned that no matter how much I realized my need, I still may have issues to resolve with people who are very different from my preferred type. Now I had the tools and techniques to resolve these differences and create more results from synergy.

Daniele Scorziello

You can not see it or touch it, but you can give it and take it, if you lose it problems often arise, it can create enormous abundance, and there is a limitless supply of it. Yet it is often avoided...

My first experience with it was when I was 14. My father had given it to me; in some ways I could see he was testing me. That weekend and my parents where going away and my father asked me to watch it very carefully, so that nothing would happen to it. So I did.

Unfortunately the friends I invited over where not as careful.  When my parents returned they where extremely upset and I was punished. The precious thing I had been guarding was damaged. I was so disappointed I had let my father down. The worst part was that it wasn't even my fault, or so I believed at the time. This experience shaped me and for a long time. From then on when I heard of "it", I wanted to avoid it. Little did I know what I was really giving up. 

I was giving up my potential and feeding my old beliefs. I was restricting my growth and clouding my dreams and denying my greatness, and it was something I was saying no thank you to on a daily basis.

When I started to study "it" I discovered "it" actually improves health and longevity. Some of the happiest and wealthiest people use "it" every day. I quickly changed my thinking and immediately started to acquire as much of "it" as I could, and apply "it" in my life.

The results were outstanding.  I started to make better choices, which lead to reduced stress, which allowed me to make even better choices. I became physically healthier, and I felt great about myself, which in turn allowed my relationships to blossom. The benefits where endless.

Perhaps the greatest gift I received from practicing responsibility each day, is an inner peace from knowing more of who I really am.

Zsuzsa Owen   

The human race has used one form of communication or another since the beginning of time, from physical action to the spoken word.  It stands to reason that when we communicate, our viewpoint would be understood.

Not so in my case.  While I am able to get my point across in conversation when everything is peaceful, I did not fare so well at times of conflict; those times I felt attacked, hurt and misunderstood.  I retaliated with blame, judgment and anger, listening to my internal dialogue instead of what was being said, missing the truth of the communication.   I formed a faulty assessment and even said things I did not mean in the heat of the moment.  I was unhappy and frustrated as to why others could not, or would not, understand me.

Slowly, one step at a time, I began to read books, ask for advice and listen to others as to how they handled conflict.  I started to actively listen to what was being said, even when it was uncomfortable.  I took some time to respond and say what I mean.  I understood that we all have a right to say what we feel and think even if we don't agree.  Not right, not wrong, just different.

Magic happened.  My blow out fights became debates and my arguments for the most part became peaceful sharing.  I became less reactive to other peoples stuff.  I became less leery of confrontation and focused more on finding a solution.  Others opened up to me and I noticed they were less afraid of addressing uncomfortable topics with me.  I found myself much more at peace within myself and much more honouring of myself and others.
 

Copyright 2006, The Personal Growth Centre, Toronto, Canada